NATIONAL GUARD TROOPS appearing on the streets of Washington, D.C., last summer was a bit of a surprise. At first, I thought they might have been soldiers left over from Donald Trump’s birthday parade who had wandered off into the city—attracted by the beauty and relative safety of our town—and then missed their ride home. Or maybe the president needed seat fillers for this year’s Kennedy Center Honors of B-List Has-Beens. (At press time, tickets were still available.)
But no, D.C., like L.A. in June, was just a test run for National Guard troops as political intimidation, since aimed at Memphis, Portland, Ore., and Chicago.
The soldiers have been easy to spot since their camouflage clothing makes them stand out. Maybe a jungle motif is the wrong uniform choice for an urban posting, as opposed to, say, a collage of parking tickets and liquor stores. The vehicle colors also seem ill-considered. Our city could use a little contrast to its Greco-Roman gray buildings, but olive drab would not have been my first choice. The Humvees all came in desert sand, questionable for a city with neither, but they do match my khaki pants. They blend so well that when I’m lecturing a Humvee driver about fascism, passersby notice an elderly man—with strong opinions—visible only from the waist up.
For the first month, the soldiers mainly did light landscaping and stood outside of museums and monuments, taking selfies with tourists and looking bored. Overall, it was a pretty poor rollout for a new police state. When the worst you do is take up prime parking spaces on the National Mall, you’re missing the shock value needed to send a clear message of ill intent.
Like any new product, a dictatorship needs to be introduced with strong branding. Listless troops, weak packaging, and a drab color palette were just some of the obvious false starts. It’s like the White House didn’t focus-group this at all! Donald Trump clearly wasn’t feeling the strength of his convictions, and he had 34 to choose from.
If only he’d taken a lesson from Frito-Lay.
For years Nacho Cheese was the main Doritos flavor. People pretty much took it for granted. People assumed Nacho Cheese—like our democracy—would always be there for us, unchallenged by anything new. A little boring, but acceptable to take to a party (although not the Communist Party).
A dictatorship needs to be introduced with strong branding.
But then came Cool Ranch Doritos, and life hasn’t been the same since. Bold packaging (a cobalt blue that beckons from across the store), flavor that’s both salty and spicy, and ingredients that flirt with chemical addiction. THAT’S the pizzaz a new totalitarian government should have. For the moment, both democracy and Nacho Cheese are still with us, but they may be getting close to their expiration date.
WITH DEMOCRACY UNDER threat, D.C. residents took to the streets in protest. One guy rage-tossed a footlong Subway sandwich at a federal agent. Prosecutors wanted to charge him with a felony. In fairness, Kevlar body armor has never been tested against a fully loaded footlong. The guy could have ordered it with everything, topped off with Subway’s signature hot sauce, a known corrosive. (I tried that sauce, and it went through me like it was late for a bus.)
With resistance growing, the Trump administration has brought out the strongman’s classic tool of intimidation: low-flying helicopters. They circle over my neighborhood every day; they’re loud, disruptive, and upsetting to our cat. But the pilots are cautious. They fly just out of range of launched footlongs.
Got something to say about what you're reading? We value your feedback!
