Justices Should Be Seen and Not Heard

SUPREME COURT Justice Samuel Alito recently gave a speech predicting challenging days ahead for people of the Christian faith, although he didn’t seem too concerned about people of other faiths, you know, the godless ones. “It is up to all of us to evangelize our fellow Americans about the issue of religious freedom,” he told a gathering of the Advocati Christi, a group of Catholic lawyers and judges which—and they will deny this—you just know is the secret society that chased Tom Hanks all over Rome in The Da Vinci Code. (They never caught him because he couldn’t be late to the set of his next movie. Secret Vatican sects may be powerful and nefarious, but they’re no match for Hollywood’s more unforgiving God of Staying on Schedule.)

Alito was referring to the current “onslaught” against the freedom of American Christians to practice bigotry and discrimination (italics mine; actually, so are the words), such as refusing to do business with gay people or provide comprehensive health care to women. As you may recall, giving employees access to contraception offended the Christian owners of Hobby Lobby, one of the nation’s largest purveyors of arts and craft items—mainly high-end pipe cleaners and crepe paper that the Dollar Store doesn’t carry. (I’ve never shopped at Hobby Lobby, although I’m a frequent patron of the Dollar Store, mainly for food items past their freshness date. But with Twinkies it doesn’t matter.)

A sympathetic Supreme Court heard the cries of Hobby Lobby’s owners and basically ruled it was okay for business to discriminate against people whose actions go against their personal beliefs. This might be useful to me if I ever open a business, because I strongly believe people shouldn’t wear berets. They look ridiculous, and now I wouldn’t have to serve them, right?

THERE ARE a couple of things wrong with what Justice Alito did:

1. Supreme Court justices shouldn’t give speeches.

It brings their judicial objectivity into question, even if they are doing it on their own time and in their own clothes. I was surprised to see Justice Alito in a suit and tie, since I assumed that under his judicial robes he still wore the Catholic school-boy outfit he was warned never to remove for fear of going blind. Not to digress, but it’s fun to imagine what other justices are wearing underneath. Setting aside for the moment the timeless question of boxers or briefs, does Clarence Thomas contrast his monk-like silence with a colorful Jimmy Buffett beach shirt under his robes? (“It’s 5 o’clock somewhere. Which comports with what the founders intended.”) Does Justice Ginsburg wear capris pants and Jimmy Choo mules? (It’s a look she can easily pull off, hopefully through the next midterms.) And speaking of robes, does Neil Gorsuch’s hang comfortably? I’m just asking because it was intended for Merrick Garland, who was a much better fit. But back to my main point. (Remind me ... oh yes ...)

In Alito’s speech before the Advocati Christi (anybody glancing around nervously when that name comes up?), he said, “We are likely to see pitched battles in courts and Congress, state legislatures and town halls, but the most important fight is for the hearts and minds of our fellow Americans.” Which brings me to the second reason Justice Alito should stick to his chambers instead of telegraphing personal biases that could affect his deliberations:

2. Supreme Court justices shouldn’t give speeches.

Okay, I guess I just have the one, but it bears repeating. If justices of our highest court want to have a persona outside the bench so be it. But instead of speaking to religious groups with suspicious-sounding names, why not do something less inflammatory and more in keeping with the dignity of the Court? Like maybe a car commercial.

If Justice Alito has a prejudicial preference for the great deals at Bob’s Subaru, I got no problem with that. “Prices are so low it’s almost unconstitutional! But I rule it’s a SALE-ABRATION! So get on down to Bob’s this weekend and be in a CLEAR MAJORITY of satisfied customers! Because I’m BRINGING DOWN THE GAVEL on high prices!”

Now that’s a ruling we can ALL agree on.

(I can’t believe I said that last part.)