The Wait Is Over
Audiophiles will be happy to know that the final gap has been filled in their tape collections. They can now buy...Nixon on tape. That's right, the man who already has "explained" Watergate in three numbingly repetitive books is back doing his best Dan Aykroyd for your home or car. Please, no pushing or shoving to get your own copy of Reflections, the 90-minute opus monotonous of the Godfather of Guilt and this month's recipient of the coveted H'rumphs "Most-Likely-To-Be-Used-As-Emergency-Blank-Tape" award.
Imagine the enjoyment of cruising down the highway, summer scenes whizzing by, a favorite friend beside you, and through the speakers comes the voice of the former president reminiscing about the pressures of high office and the failures of his Vietnam policies.
Or better yet, you're spending a quiet evening at home in front of the fire; just you, your spouse, and Richard Nixon describing an emotional moment alone with Henry Kissinger. You feel like you're a part of history, that YOU ARE THERE in the Oval Office during one of the nation's darkest hours. I tell you, it's like listening to Churchill.
Well...maybe not Churchill.
Safety First
Speaking of Richard Nixon, one of the more interesting segments of the Nixon White House tapes includes a conversation between the president and Lee Iaccoca conspiring to stonewall legislation requiring air bags in American automobiles. They were successful, as we know, and the proven safety device has only been available (as an option) for the past two years.
BUT WAIT, you car dealers exclaim. Driver's side air bags are NOW STANDARD with all pricey American models. You're right, and the drivers of this country thank you. Sorry that the passengers riding with them won't be thanking you, since in a crash they'll still be thrown forward against the unyielding shoulder harnesses and dashboards. (DRIVER, assuring the passengers: "Don't worry, folks. In the event of an accident, I'll be protected by the driver's side air bag." PASSENGERS, in unison: "Well that's a load off our minds. Why don't you just let us off at the next bus stop.")
EYEWITNESS: "It Was Horrible"
Tragedy struck offices across the globe last month when millions of "Post-Its" simultaneously lost their adhesive bonds and dropped to the floor. As dumbfounded office workers began the daunting task of matching the notes to the various documents they had once been stuck to, the world press attempted to unravel the mystery.
Officials at 3M, the company that manufactures the silly little yellow note papers, were unable to explain the mysterious occurrence, saying their chemists haven't a clue as to what could cause such a spontaneous detachment. They also didn't know what the three Ms stood for, but that's another story.
Members of 3M's original development team theorized that the mishap could have been surreptitiously engineered by disgruntled paper clip manufacturers whose products have lost a significant share of the lucrative little-pieces-of-paper market.
H'rumphs reporters were following up on this angle, but we lost the phone number.
And Now the News...
A pair of Bette Davis's false eyelashes were recently sold at auction for $500. The purchaser, to no one's surprise, requested anonymity.
It was recently revealed that for Christmas last year President Bush received a toilet paper holder that plays "Hail to the Chief." The gift wasfromVicePresidentDanQua ... EDITOR'S NOTE: We left the room for just a couple minutes, and he tried to squeeze this item through. We apologize.
The winner of the Sherman, Texas, drawing for a new car was disqualified after it was discovered that his name appeared on 2,000 of the 2,200 entries. Suspicions were raised when his name was also drawn for the second, third, and fourth prizes.
And Finally...
The Sojourners Neighborhood Center recently received a large shipment of texturized vegetable protein to share with members of its food distribution program. Predicting a skeptical response from participants in the weekly food line, coordinators made plans for the next food day to enthusiastically recommend the new product as a viable and nutritious meat substitute.
On Saturday, things were running pretty smoothly and the first batch of vegetable protein was passed out to participants. As the counter stocks began to run low one of the volunteers was asked to get more of the new product. Unfortunately, instead of going back to get more, he simply yelled, "Bring out more dog food!"
They have a lot left.
Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.
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