Just What We Need: Reassuring Uncertainty About Aliens!

SO MANY TROUBLING things are happening these days that it’s hard to get out of bed, especially for yet another breakfast of homemade yogurt and granola with toasted sourdough bread, also homemade. Living in a fast-food desert, with at least three organic food stores within a mile of our home, it’s not easy to find the sublime comfort that junk food provides to an anxious spirit in challenging times. And with so many farm-to-table friends looking on, it’s hard to keep up appearances and maintain that brave free-range face.

I seek comfort in a Big Mac because the rising inflation Joe Biden caused is hurting our economy and, as the White House has patiently explained, Biden’s war against Iran triggered global repercussions which no one could have predicted, except for everybody.

Now Iran is basically a superpower. And let’s face it, we don’t need another superpower. The world was better off when we had just three: the United States, China, and my ability to bring joy into every life I touch.

NOT TO DIGRESS, since more can be said about the other crises Trump inherited—such as a White House badly in need of renovation and the lack of a gold coin with a handsome face—but something else has come up.

In May the federal government released a tranche of files on alien sightings, otherwise known as UFOs—Unfettered Freak Outs the government feared from the public, which is why they were kept secret for so long. Our leaders didn’t think we could handle the truth, an understandable position given our fear of the unknowable, such as calculus or full voting rights for all Americans.

But they finally relented and revealed the evidence we had long feared: That we may—or may not—have been visited by aliens, and that these aliens (if they exist) may—or may not—be living among us. Glad the government cleared that up. It’s always best to replace fear with a more reassuring uncertainty.

It’s always best to replace fear with a more reassuring uncertainty.

With this latest news it’s critical that we’re not afraid to ask questions when things seem out of the ordinary, especially in the nation’s capital. Such as: Why would the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool need to be so vibrantly blue that it would be visible from space? (Or, as it turns out, so vibrantly green?) Who needs to see it from that far away? And if aliens intend to use it as a landing pad, should we warn them that the Starbucks nearby has only one bathroom, and it’s always occupied? (After a long trip there’s often a sense of urgency.)

IT’S BAD ENOUGH we’ve had to keep watch for ICE agents in their SUVs (“probably just some nice men who like big cars”); now we have to be vigilant for strange beings from another planet. They shouldn’t be too hard to spot, since any ability to assume human form would be predicated on their interest in doing such a thing.

Researching human culture might lead space visitors to prefer changing into, say, a cartoon character such as Bugs Bunny, who handles every situation with aplomb. Or maybe Sylvester the Cat, who survives unscathed repeated beatdowns from an elderly woman’s umbrella. His determination to catch that canary would impress alien creatures wanting to survive in our culture.

Noted astronomer Carl Sagan suggested extraterrestrials would look radically different from humans: Since biological form is driven by environmental “happenstance,” they would have evolved in completely different circumstances than ours. So, at the very least, they probably would have lower cholesterol. Although, after their first exploratory order at Cinnabon—now with optional Cotton Candy Crunch topping—that could change.