Get Me Rewrite

"Get Me Rewrite..."

There are three main problems with publishing a monthly magazine. The first two I forget, but the third is...lead time. The things you write about may change after the issue is printed. Daily newspapers can change stuff in hours, but if a magazine is wrong, it's wrong for a whole month. So if there's time, we rewrite at the last possible minute.

Two months ago this column was on David Koresh and the Branch Davidians. Funny stuff. But three days before deadline the FBI moved in and ... it's not funny anymore. Gotta rewrite the whole thing (you think I really wanted to do something on the Royal Family?).

In the next issue I did a satirical piece on Somali war-creep Muhammed Farah "Why Can't We All Just Get Along" Aideed. Funny stuff. But then the United Nations acts like a bad cop movie and ... you guessed it, not funny anymore. Because of the military actions, which are little more than officially sanctioned thuggery, the U.N. has lost the moral high ground. So any commentary on the issue must be tempered with...wait a minute! This is starting to sound like an op-ed piece (as opposed to the usual doofus Ed piece). Anyway, we couldn't print what I first composed, so ... rewrite!

And last month I made fun of Clinton's apparent Supreme Court choice: Another white guy in a suit. A week before deadline...NOT! Back to the keyboard.

Maybe the world is just too unpredictable for a monthly magazine. Oh well. I've already forgotten what I rewrote for this issue. I just know it took up exactly this much space.

And Now the News...

• Exxon has concluded its own study of the effects of the Valdez oil spill and is pleased to report that the environmental damage was "not as bad as first thought." Refuting the research of journalists, the Alaska state government, and the international scientific community, Exxon claims that indigenous wildlife are "once again flourishing" as the ecosystem recovers. In fact, the report insists, most of the damage to Prince William Sound was done not by the Valdez tanker spill, but by local fishing boats.
• Embarassed experts throughout the world are sheepishly refusing to return phone calls and are no doubt asking themselves: "How could we have been so wrong?" Efforts are now under way, we presume, to get those pesky fishing boats out of Prince William Sound to clear the lanes for the more responsible supertankers.
• A man in, let's say Omaha, injured his back while attempting to shove a golf club into a Pepsi can. He plans to sue.
• Long-range vacation planners may want to put Las Vegas on their calendars. In just a few years the big draw might well be Jethro's Beverly Hillbilly Hotel, Casino, and Theme Park. The complex, which will include a 60-foot "Jethro" sign that's visible from miles away, is the brainchild of Max Baer Jr., who starred in the 1960s television show The Beverly Hillbillies. Construction will begin as soon as some minor details are taken care of, such as, you know, finding some land and maybe some financial backers who can recognize a really good idea when they see it.
• Another guy in, let's say Seattle, claims to have found a live insect in a can of Pepsi. Asked what the insect was doing in his soft drink, the man replied, "the breaststroke." (Ba-dump-dump.)
• This just in (otherwise we would have put it higher up in the list). Exxon Corporation has just released an "environmental education" video for use in public schools. The video chronicles Exxon's cleanup efforts in Prince William Sound and its other ongoing efforts to safeguard our natural world. And who says public schools don't have enough resources to teach our kids?

Correction

In last month's "Simple Feast," the recipe for "Delicious Compost Turkey Stuffing" erroneously called for "3 cubic yards" of cornstarch. It should have been "1 tablespoon of cornstarch." We apologize for the error, particularly to those who prepared the dish and experienced chest pains, shortness of breath, severe skin discoloration, bleeding ulcers, anthrax, hemorrhoids, or hair loss. Sorry.

Study Questions

Is this Jethro Theme Park a great idea, or what?! Discuss.

Ed Spivey Jr. is art director of Sojourners.